��������� �� I have become everything I’ve always hated. I can no longer trust myself. I have no morals, nothing. It does not feel wrong anymore. I am not looking up to anything. I have become a complete dork. I said it was wrong, but now I don’t feel it. You say it is wrong and I can’t understand it.
������������� My head, the thoughts that run through it. I must be possessed. I am full of darkness. I used to think of my self as a spark of light, but I am that black hole inside of it. I don’t hold that same value. I am not the same person.
�������������The best I can do is stay away. From all the little things that I make worse. I don’t want to hurt anyone. And the best way to protect them is to go away. It is me who causes all these problems. I can’t go through. I have to hide. It’s for the best.
You would think everyday of someones life has some kind of order. Some kind of organization, and usually mine does. But lately I have realized that living a life of routines and constant organization isnt always good. I need to break free and leave the old me behind. Im tired of being compared to as perfect girl who doesn't do anything adventureous and who is just so predictable and ordinary. Ordinary is not the word I want to be labeled as. So many things in my life have come to me by suprise and I see others that carry randomness and uniqueness within them. But now its time for me to go at the world in a whole new perspective, its my turn to suprise others and myself. Show that I can be more than what i portray. Sooner or later, I will be noticed and seen as that girl that everyone wants to know how she got where she is now. I want to be, I can be, and I will be unique(:
�� Dear Journal,
�Todays been better i havent been thinking about yesterday thank god lol. My mom is bringing us to disney August 10th. Hopefully i wont get my period like I did last time when we went to Las Vegas=[. But, yeah Caitlin came over today and we made videos which didnt turn out to good lol. We pranked a few people which was SO FUNNY. Im really hungry right now lol im in the mood for greek salad!!!! I feel like dancing and screaming i have no idea�why�lol. Cant believe summer vacation is going by so fast. Tonight I have to sleep in my hot room sadly. I slept with my sister the past two days shockingly. Shes always being a queen bee and acting like she's Miss Universe. Yeah but i hate the darkness it's weird. I go to bed so late cause im afraid of sleeping by myself and having nightmares after nightmares=[ but, my mom thinks im crazy or psycho but im not. lol my sister petting my cat right now hopefully she doesnt see me. Yeahh i gotta go butt i'll check in laterr !
Loveeeeeeeeeeee
BRIANAA <3
Ever wish you could go back and change something you have done?? Not just something stupid like saying a bad word or breaking up with someone, but making a life changing decission!!!! something that didnt meet your exspectations and in the heat of the moment you just blew it??? �well in this case the answer is........ yes and NO!!! i have done something i cant take back! you may one day find the someone you love and cant live without and just get caught up in the moment, or have a big exspectation that is totally overlooked and not met in the slitest way!� well in this case i had the biggest exspectaion of how i wanted something to be and it didnt even come close.... after this exsperiance i feel like im not good enough, but who knows?? All i know is that in no way,shape,or form may i ever take back what has been done..... Yeah there is that special person in my life who means everything to me, but i just feel like im not good enough for him!!! �� Today on wednesday july 23,2008 i lost my v-card and in some ways i wish i could take it back.... i did it with the Person i LOVE and i didnt have any exspectations, but i feel like it was not the way it was supposed to be... i couldnt keep him satisfied and everything just back fired! i got really upset with myself and i started crying he appologised to me like a billion times for not being able to hold it!! i felt so bad, (he said i was to small.. or was it just that he was to big??) that is besides the point... i lost something that i can never get back and it just didnt feel special in anyway!� after awhile of me being mad at myself, i finally got up off the bed and headed for the door " im getting in the shower, and you better be gone when i come back" is what i said when i left the room.. i thought for sure he would listen and just leave me alone, well i was wrong...... i made it to the bathroom and locked the door behind me before i broke into tears, and then i heard a knock on the door "are you ok? please talk to me" he stood at the door and waited for me to answer but all i could do was think about what i had just done! the room felt like it was spinning and and i felt like i was in a room with no air.. just then the door unlocked, cuz he jamed it and got it open... i couldnt even look at him, everything just felt so wrong.. all i wanted to do was go to sleep and go back to that morning and relive the day so that i could rethink my decission............." YES it is what i wanted, just not that way.." i told him.� He told me he was sorry and i told him to just leave me alone and we would just talk when i was done.� when i got out of the shower and went back to the room to change, he was still there.(he was sitting on the couch, with a really seriouse look on his face!!) i couldbarely look at him. i put clothes on and put my head down on top of my dresser as i stood wondering what to do... well i about passed out and he caught me before i fell.. i grabbed onto him as if i was dying! he scooped me up with one arm under my legs and one under my upper body and carried me over to my bed and layed me down, it was hard for me to breath so he propped my head up and just kept talking to me.. "i LOVE you baby, and i am sorry it wasnt what you had exspected...it is not your fault in any way" i couldnt help but think that i had ruined everything... he just looked at me and said " even though it wasnt everything you wanted, it was still special." i had no idea what he ment... " you gave me someting that was very special to you and i want you to know it ment everything to me.." he then got up and went over to my dresser and picked something up... It was the gold neclace that he always wears and i have never seen him take it off!! he came back over to me and told me that he wanted me to have it. "You gave me your something special and i want you to have this, it means alot to me." i told him that i couldnt take it and that he needed to keep it.. finally i gave in and he had me sit up and he put it around my neck and clipped the clasp toghether... right after that he engulfed me in a Hug that almost took my breath away and he started to cry... i didnt understand at the moment, but he felt so bad for not making it special for me.. as we hugged i rubbed his back and said "it is not your fault these things happen, we cant change that." "dont cry, there will be a next time" we just lay there in eachothers arm in silence... ���� I will never forget this day, and how it really brought us closer together.. we have talked about this is what we both wanted it.... (not the part where it didnt work) we wanted to be closer and make LOVE.. this exsperiance is something you share with someone special and today it didnt seem like that.! it was supposed to be us amking love and being passionate, rather than just having sex!!!!! In some ways i wish i could take it back and start over, but in others i dont,because this exsperiance really brought the two of us alot closer together. I am now sitting here thinking about what happened while wearing the gold neclace and really hoping things workout...Things happen and there is a silver lining to everything because there is a reason for everything!!! ������������������������������������������������������������������������ Destiney walls ����������������������������������������������������������������������������������� Wednesday 7-23-08
http://surethings.blogspot.com/2008/07/two-letters.html
Lack of Communication or the Mole problem.
Reading David Roppo's advice for communication in a relationship.� It's not learning to communicate but getting down to the root of what's causing lack of communication.� This makes perfect sense to me and it's an idea that's echoed in Work the System book by Sam Carpenter.� In his book he talks about not wacking the mole as it comes up but get down to the root of the problem in the underground to see what's causing the mole or problem to come up?
In my case, when I make N mad, she goes silent, gives me the silent treatment and I can't stand it.�
- Today is an IN the office day
- I have Dr. Appt at 11 this morning in Scottsdale.� Since my office is up here near my dr, I came in.
9:45 - Added 99GB datastore to marriot.� Registered it with telstar and updated.� Rebooting to update packages.
--
The dr visit wasn't so good.� I will be out for a day, maybe more.
I love my job, and the people I work with are becoming good friends.� Thanks for picking up my assignments in such a hurry.� I will be back to work as soon as I can.�
~coraline blue
9:25 - We has IWS monitoring this morning!� WOOT!� Thyme LM 215 is now Thyme LM 87.�� CPU is idle but memory is already showing loaded:
Mem:�� 3116240k total,� 3102500k used,��� 13740k free
Talked with Gunslinger about it and he thinks the JVM garbage collection hasn't ran.� Test officially starts at 9:30.� I'll run SAR & monitor iostats.
9:55 - Call from Duke, Margie, and Baby Huey re tkt 464174 to add 250GB luns to giant/itan/pine on Thursday.� Duke says DMX 3 cutover is scheduled for Fri, so they want to go ahead of me and cut over to DMX3.� Then have Margie assign these luns and let me do my work.� The DBs will be down anyway.� Sounds fair to me, I'll talk with Gunslinger and get him to move the ticket and fix the language because it's all fucko.
10:05 - Talking with Mr. T. regarding the DMX cutover and the delays its thrown into our work.� I guess he talked to the trio either just before, or just after me.� He's asking questions about why this disk wasn't added a month ago and I confirmed for him that the delay is because of the trio and the cutover cluster-fuck.� He's off to a meating but will get back to me after lunch.
- Make sure we discuss the IWS perf tests and the huge blocks of time it's taking.� I have users screaming about access problems, need to re-write and re-engineer a content promotion system because the lack of root access is cramping people's styles.
- I have to get the NFS work done, and I need time to go through and remediate and actually ENGINEER some solutions instead of running around putting out fires and band-aiding this fucked up portal.
10:10 - the IWS tests still havent' started.� They block large chunks of my time, then start late.� bastages!
0- I have 3:30 appt today with Sofya
0- I have 11:30 apt with Dr. Gary on Wednesday
10:40 - IWS tests cancelled
11:00 - Deployed VM Marriott on seer.� Req. IP from Grandpa Simpson.
11:10 - lunch - salad & filled up the tank in the Roo.
12:45 - customizing Marriott.
July 22, 2008
As you can tell from my lack of journal writing I have been a busy gal.� After returning to Mooresville after my 4th of July break I headed to Texas again
for work.� When traveling you sometimes have to find joy in the simplest
things.� And the trip to Texas is hard to find exciting.� The days are long, we
are booked to capacity and it is hot, hot, hot.� But the excitement of the trip is
a shell gas station in Tyler, Texas.� It is the nicest gas station we have ever
stopped at.� It has the best restrooms I have ever seen.� They have marble
counter top and the whole is decorated in the neatest western d�cor.� They
have a little cafeteria there had the best food I have on the road in quit some
time.� The pulled pork was to die for.�
Friday night in Texas the whole traveling group went out to dinner.� We went
to a steak house called “Salt Grass”.� Apparently it is the best place in town
for steak.� I really was looking forward to having a great meal.� When it was
my turn to order I told the waiter I would like to have the rib eye.� He asked if
I wanted the rib eye that was the special of the night.� I had not really listened
to the specials but said “sure I’ll have that”.� Well when my dinner came I
almost fell over.� I had order a 20 ounce bone in rib eye.� All the guys were
laughing!!!!� They couldn’t wait to see my try and it.� I managed to get down
about 16 of the 20 ounces.� I then had to surrender what I had left to one of
the guys.�
I am very grateful for a sound mind and the ability to discern harmful people and situations.
Quote of the day "The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness." - Friedrich Nietzsche Universe entry of the day The funny thing, Ed, is that in spite of the euphoria one feels upon entering paradise, cloaked in miracles, surrounded by angels, love, and unimaginable beauty, it gradually becomes all they know, commonplace, ordinary, and then, shockingly... invisible. Yep, I'm talking about life on earth. Yippee Kai-Ye, -The Universe- Journal entry of the day Love, love, love, da-da-da, love, love, love, etc., etc. Famous and great song. The longer I ponder it the more I relize and believe that the root of God and all things good is love. God is love is a Christian concept and the only religion on the planet to make this proclamation. Dr. Wayne Dyer quoted someone who said, "The only difference between good and God is "o" or nothing. There is no difference. We are all capable of God like qualities if we share love.
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